 There's this book I love to read to my two young children sometimes called, "The Runaway Bunny". The storyline goes something along the lines of this young bunny telling his mom in many different ways that he's going to run away from her and become something else. For every new place this bunny says he will run away to, the mother bunny gently responds that if he goes there, then she will find him. For example, in one scene the bunny declares that he will become a fish and swim away from her and the mother bunny responds that she will become a fisherman and fish him back to her. What I love about this book is its subtle demonstration of a grounded, well-regulated parent who is able to let her young bunny use or "co-regulate" with her nervous system. The mother bunny doesn't punish or shout, "Enough! Stop this nonsense and get to bed/go to your room!". She doesn't take it personal and seek comfort/reassurance from her child, "Why don't you love me? After all I've done for you!". Instead, the mother bunny humors her child and playfully responds to each of her child's creative runaway attempts with a new way in which she would still show up and love the bunny... no matter how much he pushed her away. What a gift this mother gives her child. The gift of growing up with a parent who can regulate their emotions is a form of generational wealth that we don't talk about enough.  One important piece of our development as children is to develop a sense of self and a sense of separateness from our parent. In a healthy parent/child dynamic, it looks a lot like the mother/child bunny's back and forth. Children must push their parents away or test boundaries so as to know who am I and who are you? What are your boundaries and what are you okay with? Will you still love me if I push you away? Will you come find me if I run away from you? Am I still worthy of your love? When children have a solid concept of self, it carries over into all of their other relationships. They don't need constant reassurance from others and are able to understand who they are, what their values are and what isn't for them. Children do not automatically know how to regulate their own emotions- they learn how to by how they are responded and tended to by the people who care for them (this is especially true for neurotypical children). Some are lucky enough to have a present, securely attached caregiver who can (mostly) respond to all of their runaway and boundary pushing attempts by listening to their child and responding to their underlying need behind the behavior. Their response will generally allow the child to feel seen, heard, and as though they are important. Some of us, unfortunately, do not grow up with a caregiver who can respond in these types of ways. Some of us might have grown up with a parent who took our being upset about something as a personal attack. We might have said "I don't like fish sticks!" and they responded with some version of: "Nothing I do is ever good enough for you", "Don't you back talk to me!", or "Go to your room!". What do you imagine this version of a parent teach their young child? Well for one, it may teach them that their opinions aren't important and to be quiet/shut them down. It may also signal that they are only loveable if they are agreeable. They may develop an association to vulnerability as something scary and not worth the pain of rejection. It might also tell them that it's their job to take care of their parent's and possibly other people's emotions. They may grow up acutely attuned to other people's needs, not really knowing what they actually want out of life- instead, depending on those around them for constant reassurance.  I'm assuming if you're reading this right now that you're probably someone who doesn't want to repeat similar patterns with the people in your life. I'd go out on a limb to guess that if you grew up with an emotionally immature parent or a parent who couldn't regulate their emotions, that you really value being able to regulate yours because you know how much it hurt to be on the other side. And for that, I commend you. I applaud anyone who has decided that they are ready to start asking the hard questions no matter how old they are or how broken you might feel. Your parents might not have been able to gift you with the generational wealth of emotional regulation but you, just out of curiosity and interest in the topic, have already started investing in your emotional wellbeing and wealth.
Take this journey slow and consider being the mother bunny to yourself when you want to run away from all of your hard work. Consider finding yourself again and again no matter how far you push yourself away with the same love and calmness as the mother bunny. You may not have caused the wound but you get to reparent yourself in the way you need it this time.
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 "The Baby Race" is the Bluey Episode that will absolutely make all moms cry... well, at least, it made me cry, hah.
I can remember my own experience as a first time mom when my daughter began to reach the age of milestone markers- rolling, sitting up, eating solids, crawling, walking, talking. Even though I had long worked with new families and years of additional educational training in child development before starting a family of my own, I still felt like I had no idea what I was doing. I think that’s where it started- having no lived experience of raising an infant. I started to look through books, countless websites/blogs, social media accounts, Facebook mom support groups, etc. Just when I would read something that quelled by anxiety/fear that I wasn’t doing enough to support my child, I would head to the yoga mom group, baby music class or open Facebook to see that my friend’s baby the same age had already met certain milestones that mine had not. I never wanted to compare my baby to someone else’s and I don’t think that was my intention at all when I began the baby race. I think, deep down, I was struggling with a deep insecurity that I wasn’t a good enough mom. I was struggling with the thoughts that I wasn’t doing enough for my children, not reading the right books, not doing the right activities or not being able to meet my baby’s needs in the way they need. At the core of it all- I felt as though I was failing at being a mom and doing everything wrong. I believed that I was failing at the one thing I thought I had always wanted to do my entire life. I felt a lot like Bluey’s mom, Chilli. If I could go back to that time, now, as a mom of a 4 year old and almost 2 year old, I would want to recreate that moment when Coco’s mom came over to see Bluey’s mom, Chilli, and say something similar to myself. What I needed to hear in those moments was: “You’re doing great. You are a good mom. You are enough”. What I also needed in those moments was a hug and to feel seen and heard. What I needed was for someone to know that it's okay to not be "perfect". That what matters more is that as a parent, I acknowledge my shortcomings and make an attempt to apologize and repair with my child. That my child needs an authentic, emotionally available parent more than a perfect parent. I might have put a whole lot less pressure on myself and on my baby if I had someone cheering me on in those ways but also, I don't know if I would have wanted to hear it until I was ready to hear it. I might have been more present and find more playfulness in the unique ways in which my baby was meeting milestones and exploring life but I don't know for certain. I also might have felt a lot less guilty and judgmental towards myself about feeling competitive with my peers but hindsight is always 20/20. I think more realistically, I might have had a little more healthy distance from this part of me, acknowledging that this part of me is probably feeling insecure about being a new mom and that it's pretty common for new moms to feel this way. Sometimes it can help to know we aren't alone in feeling the things we don't want to feel and are feeling. While there might have been a smidge of grief over what I missed out on by getting caught up in the baby race game, I actually found myself mostly wanting to work to repair our relationship. While they probably didn't understand me, I let them both know that "mommy wants to apologize for missing times when you've tried to get my attention and I wasn't present. I'm going to work harder to be more present when we are together. I'm not perfect so I may still mess up along the way but I hope you'll feel safe to let me know if it makes you feel upset. I want to hear about it." Did you watch the episode? What did you get out of it? Let me know! |