The Unspoken Generational Wealth: Being Raised By An Emotionally Regulated Parent

There's this book I love to read to my two young children sometimes called, "The Runaway Bunny". The storyline goes something along the lines of this young bunny telling his mom in many different ways that he's going to run away from her and become something else. For every new place this bunny says he will run away to, the mother bunny gently responds that if he goes there, then she will find him. For example, in one scene the bunny declares that he will become a fish and swim away from her and the mother bunny responds that she will become a fisherman and fish him back to her.

What I love about this book is its subtle demonstration of a grounded, well-regulated parent who is able to let her young bunny use or "co-regulate" with her nervous system. The mother bunny doesn't punish or shout, "Enough! Stop this nonsense and get to bed/go to your room!". She doesn't take it personal and seek comfort/reassurance from her child, "Why don't you love me? After all I've done for you!". Instead, the mother bunny humors her child and playfully responds to each of her child's creative runaway attempts with a new way in which she would still show up and love the bunny... no matter how much he pushed her away. What a gift this mother gives her child. The gift of growing up with a parent who can regulate their emotions is a form of generational wealth that we don't talk about enough.

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One important piece of our development as children is to develop a sense of self and a sense of separateness from our parent. In a healthy parent/child dynamic, it looks a lot like the mother/child bunny's back and forth. Children must push their parents away or test boundaries so as to know who am I and who are you? What are your boundaries and what are you okay with? Will you still love me if I push you away? Will you come find me if I run away from you? Am I still worthy of your love? When children have a solid concept of self, it carries over into all of their other relationships. They don't need constant reassurance from others and are able to understand who they are, what their values are and what isn't for them.

Children do not automatically know how to regulate their own emotions- they learn how to by how they are responded and tended to by the people who care for them (this is especially true for neurotypical children). Some are lucky enough to have a present, securely attached caregiver who can (mostly) respond to all of their runaway and boundary pushing attempts by listening to their child and responding to their underlying need behind the behavior. Their response will generally allow the child to feel seen, heard, and as though they are important.

Some of us, unfortunately, do not grow up with a caregiver who can respond in these types of ways. Some of us might have grown up with a parent who took our being upset about something as a personal attack. We might have said "I don't like fish sticks!" and they responded with some version of: "Nothing I do is ever good enough for you", "Don't you back talk to me!", or "Go to your room!".

What do you imagine this version of a parent teach their young child? Well for one, it may teach them that their opinions aren't important and to be quiet/shut them down. It may also signal that they are only loveable if they are agreeable. They may develop an association to vulnerability as something scary and not worth the pain of rejection. It might also tell them that it's their job to take care of their parent's and possibly other people's emotions. They may grow up acutely attuned to other people's needs, not really knowing what they actually want out of life- instead, depending on those around them for constant reassurance.

I'm assuming if you're reading this right now that you're probably someone who doesn't want to repeat similar patterns with the people in your life. I'd go out on a limb to guess that if you grew up with an emotionally immature parent or a parent who couldn't regulate their emotions, that you really value being able to regulate yours because you know how much it hurt to be on the other side. And for that, I commend you. I applaud anyone who has decided that they are ready to start asking the hard questions no matter how old they are or how broken you might feel. Your parents might not have been able to gift you with the generational wealth of emotional regulation but you, just out of curiosity and interest in the topic, have already started investing in your emotional wellbeing and wealth.

Take this journey slow and consider being the mother bunny to yourself when you want to run away from all of your hard work. Consider finding yourself again and again no matter how far you push yourself away with the same love and calmness as the mother bunny. You may not have caused the wound but you get to reparent yourself in the way you need it this time.