6 Reasons Why You Might Keep Dating The Wrong Person (for women)

One of the most common reasons clients start therapy is out of a fear that they keep dating the wrong person. Most of these women are highly intelligent, have supportive friends, jobs and in all other aspects of their life, are doing great... but the closer they near 30... then 35... then 40, failed relationship after failed relationship, the more the thoughts begin to swirl. "Is there something wrong with me?", "Am I attracting the wrong kind of person?", "Should I just give up on love?"

Let's set the record straight off the bat. No, there is nothing wrong with you and you are not broken. I know I probably don't know you but even so, it's the truth. We all have what's called an attachment style and it is heavily based off of the relationships we had to our caregivers and/or traumatic relationships and experiences that happened during our development. While these things determine how we love and who we are attracted to, it doesn't mean you are broken or unable to have a happy, healthy relationship (if that's what you want). While there's no way I could actually cover all of these concerns directly without having met you in a therapy setting, I've made a list of questions to consider if you feel like diving in to understanding yourself in relationships.

1. Do you fear being alone? As women, we are primed from birth to have a wedding and have babies in order to "live happily ever after". When your friends slowly all start getting married and/or having kids, the internal pressure to get married can become palpable. One thing to check in with yourself about is how you define being single. Was being single frowned upon growing up either from peers, media or family? Was being married highly valued? When you approach relationships scared and anxious about getting married or avoiding being single, you stop thinking about what you have to offer and more about why they might not want to get married. Notice what sensations in your body come up when you sit down with your thoughts about being alone. If they feel uncomfortable, consider getting curious. If this exercise feels too intense or you need help, recruit the help of a therapist skilled in relationships or somatic-oriented therapy.
2.  Do you gravitate towards partners with the same types of issues because it feels familiar? We are attracted to people who more or less "complete" the parts of us that we struggle with. So if you're very high on the emotionally driven scale, you might have a tendency to date individuals who are much lower on that scale, perhaps even emotionally unavailable or distanced. This is what is often described as a "familiar" feeling or like you've already known them before you even met. Let's say you haven't really spent much time noticing your insecurities prior to dating... You might be much less likely to notice the parts of you that have unmet needs that seek out that need in a partner. We all have our own unmet needs that attract us to a particular person who can fulfill that need. The difference between a healthy and unhealthy relationship is that in a healthy relationship, both individuals are self-aware enough of their own insecurities and defenses, allowing them to put down the armor and learn from their partner during times of conflict.
3. ​Is commitment or intimacy scary? If you keep dating emotionally unavailable partners or maybe keep struggling to find "the one" in mostly great partners, consider your relationship to intimacy and  commitment. Do you find more comfort in relationships that are kept at a distance? What does it feel like when partners ask more of you or want to get to know you on a deeper level?  Now in this case, I'm strictly speaking to monogamous individuals and relationships, not necessarily someone who identifies as polyamorous or non-monogamous. There are many different reasons for fearing intimacy or commitment but research clearly shows that the amount of love you are able to receive is directly related to the amount of love you were given by your primary caregiver growing up. More on that topic later but if you're interested, check out some books on attachment theory. "Attached" by Amir Levine is a great beginners guide and the website includes lots of free resources, including a quiz to help you identify your attachment style. "Wired for Dating" and "Wired for Love" by Stan Tatkin are also amazing reads on the subject.
4. How's your self-worth? Maybe you've internalized the message that you aren't worthy of love or happiness. If we don't name the issue, we can't tame it. If we don't name who or what experience(s) shaped this message of unworthiness that we tell ourselves, it has power over us. Naming and talking through negative core messages with a professional gives us our power back. These beliefs about ourselves can be so hard wired in our system that we almost don't even think about what we offer a potential partner, thinking only about whether this person will even want to be around us. Hard wired negative core beliefs such as these take time and patience to confront... and often a therapist who can be like a mirror to help you find the negative core beliefs that are no longer serving you or keeping you stuck.
5. Do you know what your values are? Considering values when dating gives you a sense of direction. When you know what you want and prioritize yourself and your values, you're less likely to waste time with someone who never wants kids when you know for a fact that having a family is one of your most important values. Sometimes though, we can be aware of what our values are but still date someone who is an obvious poor match with them. Conforming your values to the person you're dating because they seem like a good match in all other ways might meet a short-term need but rejecting or not placing your values high enough when dating will only end up biting you in the rear-end later.
6. Have you ever experienced a boundary violation, relationship or sexual trauma, or been in a relationship (partner or caregiver) that was abusive or with someone who abused substances? If you've experienced any of the above situations, chances are that you are carrying or have carried a lot of pain. Trauma alters the way we view the world and oftentimes the protector parts of us will run the show, abandoning our shadow and child parts of ourselves. It's important that we are able to give our shadow and child parts a compassionate voice... but sometimes it can be too painful. Trauma therapists can help you to build the safety that these parts need in order for us to be fully integrated and whole. In other words, it's important that we befriend our shadow or rejected parts if we want to find acceptance and love of ourselves and in a relationship.

Before I end this blog, please note that there are many things to consider here and this is not an exclusive list by any means. Trauma, culture, family values, experiences growing up, past relationship history to name a few should also be considered when exploring relationship history and patterns. As always, feel free to reach out with any questions or if you would like to schedule an appointment so you can better understand your relationship style.

---