 As a therapist who works with women navigating life with ADHD, particularly moms, I hear a lot about the struggles, frustrations, and often, feelings of failure and rejection sensitivity that can surface. Not only do I hear this a lot but as an ADHD mom of two, I’ve lived it. If you're a mom with ADHD, you likely know these feelings intimately. You may feel like you're constantly juggling too many balls, with some inevitably dropping, no matter how hard you try to keep it all together. And in those moments, that critical inner voice might pop up, questioning your abilities, your worth, and even your identity as a "good" mom. But what if we pause and listen to that voice—not to validate its criticisms but to better understand it? Using the lens of Internal Family Systems (IFS), we can begin to recognize that this critical part is just one of many parts within you. Each part has its own role, often developed in response to your life experiences, and its intentions, while sometimes misguided, are ultimately protective. In other words, you are not a bad mom, other moms are likely not intentionally excluding you because of something you did, and it’s okay to struggle in motherhood at times.  The Daily Struggle: When ADHD Meets Motherhood Being a mom with ADHD can feel like you're living in a whirlwind. The constant demands of motherhood—planning meals, keeping track of appointments, managing school activities, all while working or maintaining a household—can be overwhelming for anyone. But when your brain naturally struggles with attention, organization, and focus, these tasks can feel insurmountable. You might forget things like important dates or where you left the car keys for the third time today. And when that happens, you may notice a part of you that feels deep frustration or even shame. These parts of us that hold self-criticism are often trying to protect us from failure by pushing us to "do better." But their methods can leave us feeling stuck and inadequate. In IFS, we see these feelings as different parts of you—some that carry the burden of distraction, overwhelm, or guilt, and others that are trying to keep you in control. Neither is wrong. Both are valid. And each part deserves compassion and understanding. The Inner Critic: Understanding the Role of the “Manager” One part that often shows up for moms with ADHD is the Manager. This part tends to set high standards, constantly reminding you to be more organized, more productive, or more patient. When things slip through the cracks (as they inevitably will, because you're human), the Manager might come in with harsh critiques: “Why can't you get it together? Other moms seem to handle this just fine!” What if instead of letting the Manager run the show, we paused and got curious? What does this part of you really want? Often, it's simply trying to protect you from failure or from feeling inadequate. But when the Manager becomes too dominant, it can lead to feelings of exhaustion and self-doubt. By acknowledging this part and listening to its fears, you can begin to shift the dynamic and respond with compassion, rather than letting it rule your inner world.  The Distracted Part: Offering Compassion, Not Shame
Another common part that shows up is the Distracted or Overwhelmed part. This part might feel like it's always lagging behind or dropping the ball. It’s the part of you that forgets to sign permission slips, leaves laundry in the washer for days, or zones out during important conversations with your kids. In IFS, we don’t view this part as a failure. Instead, we recognize it as a part carrying a heavy burden. Often, it's trying to navigate the chaotic world of motherhood while managing an ADHD brain. Rather than letting shame take over, what if you approached this part with compassion? It’s not lazy or irresponsible. It's just trying to cope with an overwhelming world in the best way it knows how. Embracing All Parts: Moving Toward Wholeness The beauty of working within an IFS framework is that it helps us see all our parts, not just the ones we label as “bad” or “problematic.” Every part of you—even the critical Manager or the overwhelmed Distracted part—has a reason for being. When you learn to recognize these parts without judgment, and instead bring curiosity and compassion, you begin to heal from within. As a mom with ADHD, it’s easy to feel like you're constantly falling short. But what if you could learn to listen to those parts of you that feel so critical or overwhelmed? What if you could give them space to express their fears and concerns, and then reassure them that you are doing the best you can? You’re not just one "part" of yourself. You are many parts, all working to help you navigate the complexities of life, motherhood, and ADHD. When you embrace this idea, you begin to shift the narrative from *I'm failing* to *I am enough, exactly as I am*. And that shift can open the door to more self-compassion, resilience, and ultimately, joy in your journey as a mom. You Are Enough If you're reading this and recognizing parts of yourself—whether it's the critical Manager or the distracted Overwhelmed part—I want to remind you that you are not alone. Motherhood is hard. ADHD adds its own unique challenges. But you are not failing. You are simply navigating life with a different set of tools. By embracing all parts of yourself with kindness, you can create a more compassionate, supportive inner environment—one that allows you to thrive, not just as a mom with ADHD, but as the whole person you are. You're doing enough. You are enough. --- Remember, every part of you is worthy of compassion. When you take the time to listen to your parts with curiosity, rather than judgment, you can start to shift the way you experience both motherhood and ADHD. You're not alone in this journey, and healing is always possible—one part at a time.
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 There's this book I love to read to my two young children sometimes called, "The Runaway Bunny". The storyline goes something along the lines of this young bunny telling his mom in many different ways that he's going to run away from her and become something else. For every new place this bunny says he will run away to, the mother bunny gently responds that if he goes there, then she will find him. For example, in one scene the bunny declares that he will become a fish and swim away from her and the mother bunny responds that she will become a fisherman and fish him back to her. What I love about this book is its subtle demonstration of a grounded, well-regulated parent who is able to let her young bunny use or "co-regulate" with her nervous system. The mother bunny doesn't punish or shout, "Enough! Stop this nonsense and get to bed/go to your room!". She doesn't take it personal and seek comfort/reassurance from her child, "Why don't you love me? After all I've done for you!". Instead, the mother bunny humors her child and playfully responds to each of her child's creative runaway attempts with a new way in which she would still show up and love the bunny... no matter how much he pushed her away. What a gift this mother gives her child. The gift of growing up with a parent who can regulate their emotions is a form of generational wealth that we don't talk about enough.  One important piece of our development as children is to develop a sense of self and a sense of separateness from our parent. In a healthy parent/child dynamic, it looks a lot like the mother/child bunny's back and forth. Children must push their parents away or test boundaries so as to know who am I and who are you? What are your boundaries and what are you okay with? Will you still love me if I push you away? Will you come find me if I run away from you? Am I still worthy of your love? When children have a solid concept of self, it carries over into all of their other relationships. They don't need constant reassurance from others and are able to understand who they are, what their values are and what isn't for them. Children do not automatically know how to regulate their own emotions- they learn how to by how they are responded and tended to by the people who care for them (this is especially true for neurotypical children). Some are lucky enough to have a present, securely attached caregiver who can (mostly) respond to all of their runaway and boundary pushing attempts by listening to their child and responding to their underlying need behind the behavior. Their response will generally allow the child to feel seen, heard, and as though they are important. Some of us, unfortunately, do not grow up with a caregiver who can respond in these types of ways. Some of us might have grown up with a parent who took our being upset about something as a personal attack. We might have said "I don't like fish sticks!" and they responded with some version of: "Nothing I do is ever good enough for you", "Don't you back talk to me!", or "Go to your room!". What do you imagine this version of a parent teach their young child? Well for one, it may teach them that their opinions aren't important and to be quiet/shut them down. It may also signal that they are only loveable if they are agreeable. They may develop an association to vulnerability as something scary and not worth the pain of rejection. It might also tell them that it's their job to take care of their parent's and possibly other people's emotions. They may grow up acutely attuned to other people's needs, not really knowing what they actually want out of life- instead, depending on those around them for constant reassurance.  I'm assuming if you're reading this right now that you're probably someone who doesn't want to repeat similar patterns with the people in your life. I'd go out on a limb to guess that if you grew up with an emotionally immature parent or a parent who couldn't regulate their emotions, that you really value being able to regulate yours because you know how much it hurt to be on the other side. And for that, I commend you. I applaud anyone who has decided that they are ready to start asking the hard questions no matter how old they are or how broken you might feel. Your parents might not have been able to gift you with the generational wealth of emotional regulation but you, just out of curiosity and interest in the topic, have already started investing in your emotional wellbeing and wealth.
Take this journey slow and consider being the mother bunny to yourself when you want to run away from all of your hard work. Consider finding yourself again and again no matter how far you push yourself away with the same love and calmness as the mother bunny. You may not have caused the wound but you get to reparent yourself in the way you need it this time.  "The Baby Race" is the Bluey Episode that will absolutely make all moms cry... well, at least, it made me cry, hah.
I can remember my own experience as a first time mom when my daughter began to reach the age of milestone markers- rolling, sitting up, eating solids, crawling, walking, talking. Even though I had long worked with new families and years of additional educational training in child development before starting a family of my own, I still felt like I had no idea what I was doing. I think that’s where it started- having no lived experience of raising an infant. I started to look through books, countless websites/blogs, social media accounts, Facebook mom support groups, etc. Just when I would read something that quelled by anxiety/fear that I wasn’t doing enough to support my child, I would head to the yoga mom group, baby music class or open Facebook to see that my friend’s baby the same age had already met certain milestones that mine had not. I never wanted to compare my baby to someone else’s and I don’t think that was my intention at all when I began the baby race. I think, deep down, I was struggling with a deep insecurity that I wasn’t a good enough mom. I was struggling with the thoughts that I wasn’t doing enough for my children, not reading the right books, not doing the right activities or not being able to meet my baby’s needs in the way they need. At the core of it all- I felt as though I was failing at being a mom and doing everything wrong. I believed that I was failing at the one thing I thought I had always wanted to do my entire life. I felt a lot like Bluey’s mom, Chilli. If I could go back to that time, now, as a mom of a 4 year old and almost 2 year old, I would want to recreate that moment when Coco’s mom came over to see Bluey’s mom, Chilli, and say something similar to myself. What I needed to hear in those moments was: “You’re doing great. You are a good mom. You are enough”. What I also needed in those moments was a hug and to feel seen and heard. What I needed was for someone to know that it's okay to not be "perfect". That what matters more is that as a parent, I acknowledge my shortcomings and make an attempt to apologize and repair with my child. That my child needs an authentic, emotionally available parent more than a perfect parent. I might have put a whole lot less pressure on myself and on my baby if I had someone cheering me on in those ways but also, I don't know if I would have wanted to hear it until I was ready to hear it. I might have been more present and find more playfulness in the unique ways in which my baby was meeting milestones and exploring life but I don't know for certain. I also might have felt a lot less guilty and judgmental towards myself about feeling competitive with my peers but hindsight is always 20/20. I think more realistically, I might have had a little more healthy distance from this part of me, acknowledging that this part of me is probably feeling insecure about being a new mom and that it's pretty common for new moms to feel this way. Sometimes it can help to know we aren't alone in feeling the things we don't want to feel and are feeling. While there might have been a smidge of grief over what I missed out on by getting caught up in the baby race game, I actually found myself mostly wanting to work to repair our relationship. While they probably didn't understand me, I let them both know that "mommy wants to apologize for missing times when you've tried to get my attention and I wasn't present. I'm going to work harder to be more present when we are together. I'm not perfect so I may still mess up along the way but I hope you'll feel safe to let me know if it makes you feel upset. I want to hear about it." Did you watch the episode? What did you get out of it? Let me know! |