Lists and lists
And lists and lists and lists -- My head is filled with a million to do’s. The dr appointments for me, my kids and pets-- Every second, every hour is planned to the tea, Yet somehow I have another 20 appointments that I still haven’t yet made. Don’t forget to make their lunch tonight for school in the morning-- She likes pb&j with chips and a pickle. A dill pickle. A Grillo brand dill pickle. Whose birthday party are we supposed to go to this weekend? Do I have the mom’s number? Should I ask her what to get her? Did I remember to tell my husband? Will he be upset that we have to go to another kid party this weekend? When should I tell him? 15 minutes after dinner? What is for dinner? Did I remember to get the butter? One kid has a tummy bug and only the BRAT diet will do. A protein, a fruit, a -- We ran out of veggies. Write it on the list- The never ending list. Speaking of lists- What do we need for tomorrow? Lunches, backpacks, the class snack for one kid and outfits for both but wait-- What is the weather? Does he have a jacket that still fits? Where are his jackets? Oh, at the bottom of this closet pit. 45 minutes later and I discover, 2T is the largest size he has. He’s a 3T now, sometimes 4T. Should I make an overnight Prime purchase? Never mind, too late. Target has same day pickup, right? Looks like they have 1 more jacket in his size. Maybe I can pick it up on the way to get the cat food. Did I remember to reach out to my friend about her sick cat? That was 2 weeks ago- Crap. I hope she doesn’t hate me. Oh yeah, that pelvic floor pain of mine- What did she say my exercises were this time? 2 sets of 10 or 2 sets of 5? I need to put up the turkey handprints they made from school. If I was a good mom, I’d have individual bins for each child with categorized folders I could put this stuff in. Where did our neighbor get hers again? Oh wow- that’s a lot of different bins! The turkey handprints will be fine in this pile, The one I keep in our room in the closet. One of these days I will organize this space And turn it into a cloffice for work. I love the cute things they bring home from school-- I can’t believe my oldest starts kinder in the fall! Do I know any other moms whose kids are going to that school? It has the largest campus of all of the district’s schools-- Will she be overwhelmed Or get lost amongst her peers? What is the teacher retention rate there? Does it have a Spanish program, Or a program for the gifted? That other school in the neighborhood 5 minutes away Is supposed to be better in almost every way. Am I a bad mom for sending her here? Why wasn’t I louder about this being a big deal? The day we said yes to this house, I remember my husband said he would be open to talking about it when that day was finally here. The time is here if I had to guess. Kindergarten is in 9 months- Perhaps I will bring it up. “Can’t you ever just be happy with where we are and what we have?” Is all I hear. Everyone is preaching gratitude and needing to be thankful for what & who we have. But gratitude is hard to find when all day long, you’re keeping track of what you don’t have yet and all the things you haven’t done yet and are behind. Why do others like to automatically assume That when it comes to moms asking for support, That what she really needs is more gratitude? I think the answer comes from the direction of what she’s asking. Support means energy from outside of her Is needed to fill her back up again. Gratitude must come from inside. Oh, I get it now. You don’t want to do it. Wouldn’t it be nice? If she just kept quiet and never complained? If she never needed support And you never had to deal With the never ending lists and lists Of things she needs to do.
0 Comments
Maybe it’s the Millennial in me, but I’m an avid Miley Cyrus fan. Her Tom Petty cover, "Wildflowers" came on a playlist I was listening to this morning and it reminded me so much of the healing that goes on in therapy. If you haven't heard it yet, I highly recommend listening to it on a day when you need a heartfelt song to belt out to. This time of year can be weird for those of us who are working on changing generational dynamics. Maybe we were the peace keeper in our family or the therapist who helped calm our parents down as kids. Maybe we've seen these patterns show up in our adult lives and we're in therapy or working hard otherwise to not carry the weight of those behaviors and generational patterns in order to heal. During this time of year, we might find ourselves spending more time both alone and with others. With that, we might notice that we feel pulled to mask and pretend everything is fine with certain people or in certain situations, to accept an invitation or get pulled into a conversation with someone somewhere where we feel small and unimportant, or keep engaging with people or situations in our life that make us feel less than our best self. We might notice the ways in which we still need to wear our masks and armor in order to show up and feel comfortable or safe. On the flip side, as we heal, we might also notice ways in which our masks and armor can no longer be put back on. One way this shows up: we might notice that a relationship in our life is slowly fading/becoming more distant, not because we are doing something wrong but maybe we’ve outgrown the old ways in which we would mask/armor up around that person. Or maybe we’ve become more “sensitive” and no longer afraid of letting our emotions just be, causing others to be more uncomfortable around us. Again, you’re not doing anything wrong. You’re just feeling. You simply can no longer put the armor back on. Maybe you've done enough work that it hurts more to carry the armor and masks than it does to take them off and shoulder the weight of the difficult emotions. If you’re at the beginning stage of healing and taking off your masks and armor: know that it gets easier. Relationships might shift a lot and you might feel shitty and grieve a lot in the process. But it doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. My advice for getting through this process is to take time to grieve and stay curious about taking the armor for as long as you need before you take it off entirely if needed. Give yourself permission to take it on and off when needed, especially in an environment that doesn't feel safe to take it off. When you're ready, notice what it feels like to take it off when you're around people who make you feel good. Our bodies help protect us by paying attention to the situations that could put us in harm's way but we often forget to remind our bodies what it feels like when we are in a place of safety. Remember that healing isn't linear and it's okay if we need to mask around certain people/environments for the rest of our lives even. I think the most important piece of masking and unmasking is developing awareness around when we are doing it and not doing it. It's about self-awareness, self-understanding and self-compassion for the ways in which our bodies have protected us all these years. Lastly, if you need this reminder: life is supposed to feel uncomfortable at times. If it’s been comfortable up until you chose to go on this journey of self-awareness and growth, know that this pain might just be about you choosing yourself over repeating generational cycles. Healing feels uncomfortable when you choose to take off your masks. Thoughts on the 12-week Postpartum Appointment and the Lack of Mental Healthcare Support in New Moms12/29/2022 You're 12 weeks postpartum and the day finally arrives... your postpartum OB appointment. While I have many thoughts on the absurdity of our country's single 15-minute postpartum appointment at 12 weeks and the content most providers primarily focus on during that time, this post will focus on the mental health aspect of the visit. If you're lucky, you will receive a general depression questionnaire upon checking into your postpartum appointment for you to fill out in the waiting room and give to your nurse when she brings you to your room. This questionnaire, mind you, isn't specific to postpartum depression, isn't considered the best assessment for postpartum depression, nor does it examine any other perinatal or postpartum mental health issues such as postpartum anxiety, OCD, pyschosis or birth trauma, to name a few. It is quite literally the bare minimum and in my professional opinion, a slap in the face to new moms. I truly believe most providers only include this as a way to avoid liability if something were to happen to the new mom. And for most women, that's it. No follow up on your responses, no discussion on what you should look out for, names of therapists or other community resources that might be helpful as you navigate this huge life transition of caring for a tiny human. Yet, perinatal mental health issues are extremely common. And it's well documented that mothers carry a huge role in a child's life yet are very often undersupported in many ways in our country from our policies to the lack of preventative care we give new moms. There are huge systemic issues in our country around maternal mental health care, not to mention the disproportionate amount of women of color who shoulder the cost of maternal mental illness. Many OBs treat the physical component of a new mom's healing progress in what feels like a push to get back on birth control and get clearance to have sex again. There is little to no mention of "how are you really doing?" or "do you have enough emotional support?" from providers in these sessions. This absence in care can send the message to a new mom that struggling with mental health is something to hide, be ashamed of, not to mention, or something uncommon. None of which are true. For many moms, this can feel reminiscent of her personal life. Our society doesn't help new moms and for the most part, focuses on baby. Good pediatric care is not individualistic care, though. Good pediatric care includes care of the mom and that includes her mental health, too. When new moms are supported, set up for success, and really asked about how their mental health is doing postpartum, both mom and baby are more likely to do well long-term. If you are struggling postpartum and feel unheard or confused about what is or isn't considered worthy of being a postpartum mental health concern, you aren't alone. It is confusing because providers (and, yes, insurance companies who have the power over providers) have made it confusing. The truth is, there's nothing wrong with you for struggling postpartum or being confused. It's common and you deserve care. For some, that's medication and for others, that's something like individual, couples or group therapy. If you think you're fine and don't have any "real issues" postpartum, you still qualify for postpartum mental health care, no matter how postpartum you are. As a perinatal mental health provider, I can help you understand your unique postpartum experience and if necessary, can even look at (much better) assessments to see how you're doing. Only this time, there will be follow up which is something all new moms really need from their providers, whether they think they're struggling, doing better than ever or somewhere in between. |