 Desire discrepancy is one of the most common marital or relational issues that bring couples to couples counseling. When one partner has a higher libido than the other partner, the partner with the higher libido can often feel rejected or unworthy of their partner’s love.
If you feel like you have a higher libido than your partner, the most important thing for you to do is speak up. Communicate with your partner in a non-accusatory way how you have been feeling. Going too long without communicating your needs and feelings around the matter will only lead to false narratives in your head (ie: “my partner doesn’t want to have sex with me because they don’t love me anymore”). Instead of allowing false narratives to control your relationship and sex life, challenge them by speaking up. Our false narratives are often shaped by past events that have happened in our life, typically from childhood (ie: “When they retreat, it must be because I did something wrong”), so even though it might seem as though your partner is sexually holding out, it could be that it has nothing to do with the fact that they are out of love with you (or whatever other narrative you’ve gone to in your head). In fact, some people just have lower libidos than other people (which is absolutely normal, btw), plain and simple (thanks a lot, public school sex education for not teaching this to us in school). That said, bringing this topic up in an accusatory way won’t be helpful and in fact, might even lead the partner with the lower libido to assume that something is wrong with them for having a lower libido which in turn, could potentially lower their libido even more. Bring up the topic by using I statements like “I feel hurt when you don't without initiating sex with me”. Make sure to use facts, not opinions or subjective statements, and stick to the topic at hand. You can even go so far as to openly confront your false narrative to your partner when speaking on the subject by stating something like “When you tell me “no” after trying to initiate sex with you, I make up this story in my head that it’s because you don’t love me anymore”. This technique comes from Dr. Brene Brown, a shame researcher, who says that we create a stronger bond with our partner when we confront our shame to them. She points out that it’s vital to include a variation of the phrase “the made-up story in my head” when trying to use this skill. Lastly, if you’ve tried opening up to your partner about their lack of interest in sex and they aren’t willing to listen or don’t want to work on it with you, you might want to consider sex therapy or couples counseling. No one should have to feel like their sexual desires are problematic and if you’ve done all that you can so far, sex therapy or couples counseling might be able to help with making sure that you both are being heard in a safe, respectful manner. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Sara Paules, LPC [email protected] 512.297.1720
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