Are You Happy?

​Sara Paules, MA, LPC

One of the most common complaints I hear from clients, friends, family and even IG followers is: “I’m just not happy” as if this is a problem to be solved. The problem with this statement is that we play into the idea that we must be happy.  In fact, our culture even insists that happiness should be our default state.  

Think about it… How many times have you heard a well-meaning friend ask or say something along the lines of: “Why aren’t you smiling?”, “Just cheer up” or even “Why aren’t you happy?” These subtle messages are clear: Everyone else is happy and I’m not so there must be something wrong with me.

The truth is though that nearly one in five adults will struggle with depression and one in ten adults will attempt suicide in a lifetime.  You can truly see how hard it is to be happy when you start to add in difficult life circumstances like divorce, death, sexual difficulties, work stress, life transitions, domestic violence, racism, bullying, and loneliness.

The idea that everyone else around us is happy and there’s something wrong with us if we aren’t happy is a myth that will only get us caught in a trap of feeling worse about ourselves.  By trying to get rid of negative emotions or feelings, we just confirm the negative belief that there is something defective or wrong with us for feeling the way we feel. Nearly every experience and everything we value in life will bring both positive and negative feelings. There is no such thing as the perfect job, partner, birthday or parents… By not accepting this fact, we can end up in constant disappointment, or stuck in our growth.

What can we do to combat the happiness trap?  Here are 3 rules that can help you recover from the happiness trap.

• Let go of the idea of being perfect

There is no such thing as being perfect and when we are able to let go of these expectations, we no longer live a life constantly in disappointment. Accept the fact that nobody and no thing will ever be perfect and that it’s okay for people to make mistakes or for things to go wrong in life. By doing this, you open the doors to experiencing the fullness of life in all of it’s ups and downs.

• Let go of trying to control your life

Control is another trap we can easily get caught up in in the journey to find happiness. Surely if we just work out enough, diet enough, work hard enough in our jobs/school, I will be happy… right? Wrong. The truth is we have no control in life and by engaging in this destructive way of thinking, we only set ourselves up for living an inauthentic life.  There is no such thing as being able to control happiness and the people who pretend like they’ve found happiness through a certain exercise regimen or by praying hard enough are doing just that… pretending. Accepting that we cannot control happiness gives us an opportunity to freely accept ourselves, flaws and all without judgment.

• Allow feelings to come and go without judgment

It’s perfectly normal to feel negative emotions in ones life.  By accepting your emotions as they come, you allow yourself to create space to feel them fully instead of trying to get rid of them. Since all emotions are normal, fully feeling them in this way is what makes healthy, emotionally intelligent individuals. If your emotions become too heavy to feel, you can try discharging your emotions by taking a nap, warm bath, going on a walk, talking with a close friend or therapist, or by moving your body.

This is only a short list of ways you can start to combat the false idea that we should be happy at all times and that we are defective if we aren’t.  The happiness trap comes from the teachings of my personal favorite approach to therapy, Acceptance Commitment Therapy (ACT). To learn more about ACT, head here.

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