Four Ways Transitioning from 1 to 2 Kids Impacted My Mental Health

I don’t think anything can ever match the intensity of what it’s like to be a new mom, recovering from birth and learning how to parent a human for the first time. There are so many new things to learn, you don’t truly know the difference between what is considered okay vs what is a sign that maybe you might want to see a doctor, your nipples hurt or your hands are dry from cleaning so many bottles, and you’re trying to navigate a completely new stage of life while keeping a tiny human alive all with no or very little sleep for the first time. There is a lot to be said for how much the first baby can impact your mental health… but what about when you have 2 children?

I think, just like many other parents do, I just assumed that going from 1 to 2 would be the same as going from 0-1 except for maybe a little more management between both kids and a little less learning of new things. And while those things were true, I think there are a few things that New-Mom-of-2 part of me would have liked to know during my transition from 1-2 kids. 
*Note- all kids, age gaps, amount of support/help, and situations are different and this is just based off my experiences and the experiences I most commonly hear about in my work with perinatal mental health therapy sessions with clients who have worked with me and in consultation groups with other perinatal mental health therapists and perinatal mental health trainings.

1. You never sleep.. No… Really.. Yep, even more than that.
My oldest was 2 years and 2 months old when my son was born.. And while many 2 year olds are still taking naps.. Mine, like many other toddlers, wanted to have a sense of control about things and felt like she didn’t need a nap (she really did). My toddler started protesting naps right when my son was born which led to quiet time in her room instead.
While many parents might not have an oldest child who is protesting a nap- most would say their kid either didn’t need a nap when baby was born or their nap schedule was exactly during baby’s wake window.. Meaning, as soon as one went to sleep and you could finally get some sleep after a sleepless night, the other one was awake.
Now this blog post is not here to try to scare anyone but more to note that a lack of sleep can be extremely harmful to our mental health. Knowing it’s coming before baby #2 can give you some time to prepare. More on this in part 2.

2. Guilt for my oldest
Leave it to a new baby to bring out all of your guilt about how much your relationship has changed since having them. You used to have so much quality time with them and now it seems like all the time you get with them are moments when you are sleep-deprived, not really present, or even irritable. If you are in a good headspace, you might notice that you constantly feel pulled to be with your baby as soon as you sit down with your oldest. 
There are so many instances in which moms feel guilty for their first born after baby. One thing I found helpful to remember is that just like when we first brought our first born into the world, we had to split up the other areas of our life, too. No longer did I spend countless hours devoted to my husband, work, family, friends after becoming a mom. Babies come in with countless demands and take up quite a bit of space in those early days when it comes to the pie chart of your life. 
I had to be strategic about my time and grieve for some of the ways I used to be able to show up in other relationships and roles. Just like you did before, you will eventually adjust to the new redistribution of your time in your pie chart of life. There are just some growing pains along the way.

3. Guilt for my new baby
I knew leading up to birth that I would probably feel guilty for my oldest after baby was born. I was not prepared for also feeling guilty as a mom towards my new baby. When I wasn’t being needed by my baby, I was needed by my oldest. I moved back and forth between the two and never got to feel truly present with my youngest in the way I was with my youngest as a baby. She had my undivided attention and he got his basic needs met and a whole lot of splitting his time with his oldest sibling.
Many moms can struggle with the feeling of hoping that we aren’t messing our second born up by way of forming a secure attachment with them early on. I don’t know who needs to hear this right now but if you or a caregiver you trust are responding to most of your baby’s needs and cries for help with warmth- you are doing exactly what you need to help create a strong, secure attachment bond with them.

4. Overstimulation
As an ADHD mom, nothing in the world could have prepared me for how overstimulated I would become after having baby #2. Suddenly there was noise.. Always.. All the time… and dirty dishes and laundry that never seemed to ever stay clean for long.. And toys… oh, the toys.. All over the place toys. Everything always felt so overstimulating in a way I had never experienced before even having ADHD.
Over time, I was able to come up with some strategies for dealing with overstimulation which tremendously helped. For one, I accepted my fate when I felt overstimulated and would do one of 2 things: 1 being that I started picking things up right then as the activity of the day or 2 being that I took care of my nervous system first by getting fresh air, going on a walk, taking a shower/washing my face, turning down the lights, and/or putting in earbuds or calming music to mute/mellow out the other noises going on around me.

Finally, there are many more ways I’m sure I skipped (part two in the future?), but one thing to take away from this is that this is a BIG ADJUSTMENT. Many of the moms I work with feel like the people around them won’t be as understanding about this being hard because it’s their second. Sometimes it’s the *us* in the equation who struggles with self-compassion going through this transition and not so much the other people in our lives.
Just like you went through a transitional period of time with your first you may have logged in your brain as something akin to the “new mom” era, this season of your life equally deserves a chapter to be named in your book of life.. Might I suggest- this is your “new mom of two children” era.

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