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When you're healing from sexual abuse, it can be challenging to explain certain aspects about your trauma and how it shows up in the relationship to your partner or potential partner. Sometimes explaining things can trigger similar feelings around the abuse- whether it's reliving certain aspects of the details, feeling like they don't believe you or that what you went through wasn't actually that bad. Sometimes it can cause some to feel as though their partner is using coercion when they forget details or boundaries or have confusion or questions around your relational/intimacy needs. Many survivors of abuse ultimately desire a loving partnership they can trust to be safe and able to hold space for the complexities of how their trauma impacted them. Safe, long-term loving partners of survivors oftentimes desire to understand their partner's world and how to help them but often struggle with their own feelings of loneliness, insecurity that they need support around. Asking their partner, the survivor of abuse, can be too much for that person to also hold so it can be helpful for many partners to find outside support for themselves. Below is a list of current resources for partners of survivors of past sexual abuse. If you have any resources you'd like to add or are running a current support group either local to Austin or virtually, please reach out or let me know in the comments below!  Groups local to the Austin area:
1. The Sexual Healing Journey by Wendy Maltz
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 Whether you’re having recurring thoughts about accidentally dropping your baby down the stairs on your way down, falling on that sharp kitchen knife while baby wearing, or being so sleep deprived that you sleep through your baby’s cries for hours on end, causing them to die in their sleep, you are not alone.. These thoughts can be scary- alarming even for many parents. So what gives? Am I losing my mind? Does my partner need to sleep with one eye open? Should I walk myself to a psychiatric hospital now? Call CPS and let them know I need to be locked up in prison? The short answer: most likely, no.  There can be an overwhelming sense of power over another life that comes with becoming a parent. For some, that can feel pretty scary. Before now, you might have only ever been in charge of yourself except on the rare occasion or if you had a pet.
In the world of perinatal mental health, we use the terms ego-dystonic and ego-syntonic. Using the example above of harming our baby, ego-dystonic behavior would look like having the scary thought and then feeling distressed about having the thought. You might even have reactionary thoughts to the scary thoughts that sound like: “What do all these disturbing thoughts say about me?” or “What kind of parent thinks about these things?” or even still “I think I’m losing my mind.. No normal person thinks about these things”. Notice in the above examples, the common thread between them is feeling disturbed or distressed about the scary thoughts they’re having. They really don’t want to be having those thoughts. In other words, ego-dystonic thoughts are just that… thoughts. If anything, the more distressing they are to you, the less worried about actually harming your baby a perinatal mental health therapist will likely be. Granted, the thoughts can still feel scary but they don’t say anything about you as a parent. That said, ego-dystonic thoughts can be indicative of an underlying need in the form of: sleep, support, nurturance, or community care as examples. If you’re having ego-dystonic thoughts about harming yourself or others, reach out to a trained perinatal mental health therapist, Postpartum Support International's website, reproductive psychiatrist, or even your OBGYN for help. Beyond that, the book “Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts” is a fantastic read for normalizing some of motherhood’s underbelly.. And finding support/other non-judgmental moms to open up to (more on that in another post). **Please note: If your thoughts are ego-syntonic, the thoughts of harm feel like the right thing to do or in line with your values/beliefs, you have impaired reality testing, and/or delusional thoughts about harming yourself or your baby, it’s important to get help right away. Don’t wait. You can find non-judgmental support and resources on the PSI website right now. |
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